All you need is a child.
“Mummy, mummy, please can I phone the pirates for you?”
By this time, with rain battering my windscreen and cars jamming the road, I was at the end of my tether.
“OK”, I said, tossing the phone into the back of the car.
“They are under P for pirates.”
A great account of what it is like to get a pirate on the phone via the BBC.